JONATHAN CORMUR: Hello Dork Squad. I'm Jonathan Cormur and you're listening to Dorktales Storytime, the podcast for kids and their pop culture-loving grown-ups, and this is one of our anything-is-possible lore stories.
THEME SONG: It's a beautiful day for a story, adventure and glory, new friends and old ones too. It's an excellent day to get swept away in a tail, so let us regale you.
The sound of a speeding car.
JONATHAN: Redge! You’ve got! To slow! Down!
REDGE: Oh tish tosh tush, Jonathan! I’m only going exactly 64 miles per hour!
JONATHAN: I…I know, but you can barely see over the wheel!
REDGE: And?
JONATHAN: And there’s traffic! Litropia is a busy city, Redge. It’s not the Folktale Forest!
REDGE: I am well aware, Jonathan.
(The sound of cars honking)
(As if shouting out the window) Hey, I’m drivin’ here! (Giggles) I learned that one from Sal A. Mander.
JONATHAN: Can your foot even reach the brake?!
REDGE: I’ll figure it out! Don’t you worry!
JONATHAN: Redge, are….are you….are you driving straight towards a brick wall?
REDGE: Oh, do you see it ahead? Wonderful! It’s sometimes hard to see over the steering wheel while I’m pressing the gas….
JONATHAN: Redginald T. Hedgehog! You…you turn this taxi cab around!
REDGE: But you’ve seen the wall! We’re almost there!
JONATHAN: We’re going to crash!
REDGE: Nonsense Jonathan, just gotta swerve here–
JONATHAN: Ah!
REDGE: And swerve left now-
JONATHAN: EEK!
REDGE: And now straight towards the wall!
JONATHAN: AHH, I DON’T CARE HOW MAGICAL YOU AND THIS PLACE ARE, I’M NEVER LETTING YOU DRIVE AGAIN!
REDGE: Weeee!
(Some more honking cars and a cartoonish tire screech)
REDGE: Aaaaand we’ve arrived! Just where Sal said we’d be!
JONATHAN: Whe…wh…where are we? Is this….a sewer?
(The sound of a water drop in an echoey place)
REDGE: That’s what it LOOKS like…
JONATHAN: And smells like…
REDGE: It’s like what Sal told me when I first visited Litropia! If you turn down the mysterious alley with a big brick wall at the end and speed up to exactly 64 miles per hour, you will drive right through that brick wall and come out the other side!
JONATHAN: Into..a sewer?
REDGE: Trust me, it’s not just any sewer! You see–
RONNIE: Pssst!
REDGE: Uh…hello?
RONNIE: Over here!
JONATHAN: Oh! Hello!
RONNIE: I’m Ronnie the Rat! Who are you?
REDGE: I’m Redge the Hedge!
JONATHAN: And I’m Jonathan…the….human…person!
RONNIE: What’s the password?
JONATHAN: Password?
REDGE: Oh…I know this one….I had Sal write it down for me, one moment.
JONATHAN: Password to where?
RONNIE: I can’t tell you about the super secret lair without the password.
JONATHAN: Lair?! Super secret?!
REDGE: The Lair of the Rat King, Jonathan! As I said, this is no ordinary sewer! Oh, here it is, here it is! Jonathan, why don’t you do the honors?
JONATHAN: The password is…Locomotive?
RONNIE: Alright! You got it! Come on in!
REDGE: Thank you very much, Ronnie!
RONNIE: Bye-bye!
JONATHAN: Whoa! That grate just became…
REDGE: A gate! Away we go to the (with a flourish) Lair of the Rat King!
(The sound of an old-fashioned train whistle)
JONATHAN: Oh wow!
REDGE: See? I told you it wasn’t just an ordinary sewer!
JONATAHAN: There are so many trains here!!
REDGE: The Rat King runs Litropia’s subway system! Lots of old trains and new trains and trains that need to be fixed up run through the Rat King’s Lair before they’re sent back to the main tracks.
JONATHAN: Look at that massive clock!
REDGE: The swirling, intricate designs are incredible! It looks like pieces of a subway map, etched in gold.
JONATHAN: It must be keeping track of all of the train schedules!
(A few ticks of the clock and then a train whistle)
MELLY METRO: (This is a reference to the VO on the NYC subway station. She can have a voice inspired by that VO - https://www.youtube.com/shorts/zQh1dTgsK8U) Stand clear of the closing gate, please.
JONATHAN: Oh! Pardon us! We just arrived.
MELLY METRO: Hey! Newcomers! Welcome to the Lair!
REDGE: Thank you! I’m Redge, and this is Jonathan!
MELLY METRO: The name’s Melly Metro. Nice to meet ya! I’m an official Conductor here in the Lair.
JONATHAN: Ooo!
MELLY METRO: Lookin for something, someone, or somewhere to go? I can help you with all three!
REDGE: I’ve always wanted to see the Rat King’s Lair. And I thought…if I was lucky…I might meet the King himself!
MELLY METRO: Oh yeah sure! Well, he’ll be down in…hold on let me take out my pocket watches and I’ll tell ya exactly when he arrives…
JONATHAN: Wow!
REDGE: You have…so many pocket watches!
MELLY METRO: Thank you! Let’s see…this one’s telling train time, this is work and break time…none of those…nap time, no. Story time, good time, bad time…
REDGE: Bad time?
MELLY METRO: Hmm…this is for time travel time…Oh, here it is! Turns out you’re just in time!
JONATHAN: We…are?
REDGE: For what?
MELLY METRO: SHOWTIME! Stand clear of the Rat King’s stage entrance, please!
REDGE: The rat king is HERE? Oh my goodness! Oh my GOODNESS!
JONATHAN: They just put a spotlight up on the brick wall!
REDGE: Is that a microphone?
MELLY METRO: Rats of the Lair! What time is it?
CHORUS OF RATS: SHOWTIME!
MELLY METRO: Hold onto your conductor hats, because here comes the one…the only…Rat King Cam!
Sitcom-like applause.
CAM: Thank you, thank you! Please, don’t lose your hats over me! Especially when they look so…fedor-able!
Sitcom laughter.
Hey, have you heard the one about how the Swiss cheese’s plans fell through? Sounds like there were lots of holes in the schedule.
Da dum tsst and sitcom laughter.
What about the one with the sneezing train? Or should I call it the (like he’s sneezing) ACHOO-choo train! Am I right?
Da dum tsst and sitcom laughter.
Thank you, thank you I also thought that was a Gouda one!
REDGE: Hahaha! I get it! Like Gouda! The cheese!
CAM: Yeah, that’s right! Hey, I don’t think I’ve ever seen rats like you!
JONATHAN: Hi! I’m Jonathan, and this is Redge! We’re here visiting from the Folktale Forest! Right, Redge?
REDGE: I-I-I’m speechless! I’m meeting the actual Rat King of Litropia!
CAM: Nice to meet ya and welcome to my lair! The full name and title is The Rat King Cam M. Bert (Bert pronounced like Bear). But my friends call me King Cam.
REDGE: Ooo are we already friends?
CAM: Hmmm…that depends….what are your thoughts on cheese?
REDGE: Very positive, and I think about it almost daily.
CAM: Ey! We’ll be the best of friends! Come on in, come on in.
JONATHAN: Thank you!
CAM: Can I offer you anything? Three-day-old pizza slice? Last week’s newspaper?
REDGE: To be honest, I keep getting distracted by all of the beautiful trains!
JONATHAN: I’ve never seen trains like these before!
CAM: Hows about I give you a tour of the Lair then?
REDGE: Oooo, I would love that!
CAM: Well then! Come on down, step right up, just over here! We’ve got trains comin’ out our ears here. Just up ahead, we’ve got the Ey-Train (Said like A-Train), The Bee-Train, the Sea-Train-
JONATHAN: Oh, you name your trains using letters! Just like they do back in my world in a place called New York City!
CAM: Letters? Nah. That’s the “Ey! I’m Walkin’ Here!” Train for folks trying to get wherever they’re going fast. The Bee-Train is buzzin’ with bees and beekeepers alike, for special honey deliveries around the city and all of Once Upon a Time at that.
JONATHAN: There’s a special train just for honey deliveries?
CAM/REDGE: Duh!
CAM: And of course, the Enchantment Under the Sea Train!
(The sound of waves and a seagull)
REDGE: I can feel the ocean breeze!
JONATHAN: It’s like a…moving aquarium!
REDGE: Jonathan, look! There’s an entire car filled with tidepools!
JONATHAN: Are those rainbow starfish?
REDGE: This is beautiful!
CAM: Why, thank you! The Sea-Train takes you most places downtown, but then it heads out of the city. And the best part? It takes you right under the Biograsea.
JONATHAN: Under the water?!
CAM: Yep! Perfect if you’re looking for a tropical vacation! If you do take the Sea-Train, say hi to Benny Beluga for me. That whale loves swimming next to the tracks and chatting with the passengers.
REDGE: We certainly will!
CAM: Let’s see, we’ve got Trash Train over here…don’t mind the smell…
JONATHAN: (As if his nose is plugged) Oh…I didn’t even notice…
CAM: The Pool Party Train is to the right. Just up ahead, the Here Ye, Arriving Anon train is heading out of the station. It takes our visiting royalty back to Mythdom.
The sound of heralding trumpets.
CAM: And…oh! This is a fun one! The Bandstand Train!
REDGE: Jonathan! Look at those disco lights!
JONATHAN: Is there a dance floor inside here?
REDGE: Ooooo! I could bust-a-move to these tracks!
CAM: On the Bandstand Train, you can bust a move while ON the train tracks!
REDGE: I love it! We do the hedge hop, yeah! And the lickety-splits, alright! And the sheep dog shuffle! Woo!
CAM: What about the rock-out rat?
REDGE: Oh! That’s a good one! Let’s hit it!
JOHN COOLTRAINS: All aboard, we’re set to rock n’ roll on out of here in five minutes to pick up the next batch of movers and shakers!
CAM: That’s John Cooltrains. He drives The Bandstand to Gotta Dance Theater for all of Litropia’s concert goers.
REDGE: Hello, Mr. Cooltrains!
(Spooky organ sound)
CAM: Sounds like The Ghost Train is heading off to the Foreshadow.
(Spooky organ sound)
REDGE: You even have trains that go to our….creepiest-spookiest-most-mysterious-est land!
CAM: Of course! We’re a hub connecting the city, but also much of Once Upon a Time!
JONATHAN: These trains are all amazing! I’ve never seen anything like this before.
CAM: Thanks, Jonathan! We’re definitely proud of ‘em. Us Litropia rats have a great love of the underground. We can scurry around the city’s tunnels with our eyes closed!
REDGE: Is it true that you’ve got all of Litropia’s subway routes memorized by heart?
CAM: That’s not entirely true…
REDGE: Oh!
CAM: I’ve got ALL the train routes of ALL of Once Upon a Time memorized! My old noggin isn’t just full of cheese thoughts, you know!
REDGE: That’s so impressive! All of the trains in Once Upon a Time!!
CAM: Like I said, we’re the hub for all the land! And we rats are expert travelers. (Getting emotional) The trains here are our pride and joy.
JONATHAN: King…C…Cam…is that…what I think it is?
CAM: You talkin’ about the Bookit with Books train? Yeah, that’s our library on wheels!
JONATHAN: I-I-I-
CAM: (an aside to Redge) Is he okay?
REDGE: He really loves books.
CAM: Well, let me print you a King’s Pass before you go! Then you can hop on the Bookit Train for free!
REDGE: And the Bandstand?
CAM: Any train we’ve got!
JONATHAN: That…is…so…NICE! Thank you! I will be in that library so much you’ll be sick of me!
CAM: Never!
MELLY METRO: Sorry to interrupt, boss, but we’re having some trouble getting the Jolly Holly Express back on track for its upcoming departure.
CAM: Let me take a look! You two want to join me?
REDGE: To see the Rat King at work? On the merry holiday train? Count me in!
(The sound of jingle bells)
JONATHAN: This train really embodies the spirit of Jolly Holly.
REDGE: It’s trimmed with ribbons like a Jolly Holly present!
JONATHAN: Look, Redge! Passengers can sled through the hallways!
REDGE: That looks SO FUN!
JONATHAN: There’s a skating rink in the caboose!
REDGE: And Jolly Holly carolers in the dining cart!
MELLY METRO: All train functions seem to be up and running and ready, except-
CAM: (Sniffs the air) Hmmmm…smells like the first snow. The Merry Motor might be leaking holiday cheer.
REDGE: Oh no!
JONATHAN: That sounds bad!
MELLY METRO: Eh, nothing that can’t be fixed by King Cam.
CAM: Let me just hop up here and (the sounds of tinkering) just need to readjust the swirly gumdrop buttons, recalibrate the lollipop levers, reset the Festive-O-Meter to full and…everybody think thoughts of Jolly Holly cheer…
JONATHAN: Thinking…
REDGE: Cheerful…
(Tinkering stops. The sound of jingle bells)
CAM: Voila! The Jolly Holly Express is ready to roll!
MELLY METRO: Excellent! I’ll let everyone know!
CAM: It takes more than that to derail our schedule!
REDGE: Oh! Ahaha! Ahahahaha! This guy is good!
JONATHAN: His jokes are always on track!
CAM: HA! Excellent, Jonathan!
REDGE: Ahahahaha!
CAM: Well, what do ya say? You want to take a ride on the newly fixed Jolly Holly Express? Enjoy some peppermint hot chocolate and a little sledding? You’ve got your King’s Passes and the company of the Rat King himself!
REDGE: Count me in!
JONATHAN: I can’t imagine a better way to spend the rest of the afternoon than riding on these trains! …As long as Redge isn’t driving…
REDGE: Hey!
CAM: Alrighty then! Let’s head off on our first trip through the tunnels, shall we?
REDGE: Huzzah!
CAM: All aboard! All aboard! The Express is leaving the station!
(Train whistle as it pulls out of the station)
JONATHAN CORMUR: This has been a Jonincharacter production. This story was written and produced by Molly Murphy, and performed by Jonathan Cormur. Special shout out to Owen Sullivan for voicing Ronnie the Rat. Sound recording and production by Jermaine Hamilton at Pacific Grove Soundworks. We love hearing from you! Contact us at dorktalesstorytime@gmail.com or try our one-way text feature as a safe way to reach out. You can find even more ways to reach us in the show notes.
Now, go be the hero of your own story and we’ll see you next once-upon-a-time!
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